10 Thoughts After the Hnub Lis Story
(1) More often than not we men react physically when we get angry, but we have absolutely no reason to ever put hands on a woman except in self-defense. For my men out there, my recommendation for when you get angry at a loved one, is to let them know you’re removing yourself from the situation (to avoid unnecessary escalation) and then wait until your emotions have cooled before talking again. And do talk, don’t let things fester.
(2) All cases of domestic violence create particularly dangerous situations for women, and when they can, women must find ways to create safety including but not limited to leaving, temporarily or permanently.
(3) Perpetrators of domestic violence must be held accountable in a court of law and by society at large. I don’t know how to be responsible for what every other Hmong man did, but I believe good men stand up for their sisters and mothers; they don’t joke about domestic violence and they don’t welcome abusers in their circles.
(4) Social media commentators have pointed to “the patriarchy” as the number one culprit for domestic abuse against women. While patriarchy does play a role, I believe it’s ultimately a reductionist argument that fails even at what it purports to do, which is to empower women.
(5) Hmong society (or “culture”) is complex and cannot be reduced to one or two elements. Patriarchy, defined here as “a system of society in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it,” is one aspect of Hmong society, but it is not the whole of Hmong society. Just as food and language are highly visible aspects of a culture yet by themselves are at best, incomplete snapshots. Eating copious amounts of nqaij npuas hau nrog zaub ntsuab won’t help anyone understand Hmong culture. Similarly, a person’s ability to speak English doesn’t mean they can explain western society.
(6) There are things that proponents of this reductionism are failing to acknowledge. They don’t really know what is going on in people’s intricate lives. Things may certainly be bad but often people who only see the tip of the iceberg are all too eager to fit that into an existing narrative and agenda, while leaving no space for any other factors and intepretations. If they care about things as much as they claim to, they ought to also pay attention to things such as “mental illnesses” which could possibly explain people’s abnormal (e.g., violent) behaviors.
(7) There is no denying that some women have had very negative experiences with the patriarchy in their own lives. However, without more data, what they have experienced cannot be generalized to the entire population. Projecting their own personal experiences to everyone else leads to a harmful problem of its own in arousing public fear and suspicion against men and boys, stigmatizing an entire sex. Worse yet, the reductionists are even willing to argue that women who don’t concur are themselves victims of “internalized sexism!”
(8) Elder mediation and “ua siab ntev.” Mediations have their origins as a rudimentary form of marriage counseling. Now even in 2021, no professionally trained marriage therapist in their right mind would encourage “get a divorce” or “call the cops” when counseling a couple. Their primary job is to help identify the issues that a couple may be able to resolve together. It is challenging work because of the emotions and stakes involved, and every single case is different. Thus “ua siab ntev” — even if given as an advice — must be understood along with the proper context.
But according to the reductionists, “ua siab ntev” always means somebody is being pressured against their will to “keep living there even if it poses great risks to you.” Hmong elders, conveniently, are cast as ignorant, backwards, nonsensical, etc. when, quite possibly, “ua siab ntev” could generally mean, “give it some thought, think over it, manage your anger, etc.” Because the opposite of “ua siab ntev” is “ua siab luv,” which doesn’t solve anything either.
Anecdotally, I have heard a number of cases including those of friends whose marriages were helped through these mediations. This does not mean they are without criticism but too often the people criticizing mediation are the same people claiming that Hmong “sell” their daughters which is utterly ridiculous. As far as I can see, marriage is tough and it’s going to require a world of effort by any two individuals to make it work. But if it doesn’t work out, please, don’t blame it on the marriage counselor.
(9) This finally brings us back to Hnub Lis, who, several days after the original video, released another video with her husband saying this had been one big misunderstanding, that while they had a heated argument, there was never any domestic violence at all. Together they expressed embarassment for airing out their dirty laundry and regret for having caused unnecessary stress for their family, friends and fans. Most importantly, they had talked and come to an understanding. They ended the video with an invitation for folks to get to know them better before jumping to conclusions.
Many of us are able to accept this as a lesson in forgiveness. Unfortunately, some of the same social media commentators who lept to Hnub Lis’s “defense” just days earlier, moved on to publicly accusing her of lying and covering up for her husband — as far as I can see, because her story no longer suits their agenda. We had others claiming the patriarchy is so insidious that Hnub Lis doesn’t even know she’s being abused! I’m not a professional psychiatrist (neither are any of these social media commentators) but shouldn’t we respect Hnub Lis’s right and ability to make her own decisions? Or is she too “backwards” to even make her own decisions?
(10) I’ve seen a number of Hmong women say they are afraid to marry Hmong men because of the patriarchy, as if patriarchy doesn’t exist elsewhere in layered and even more perverse forms. Ultimately what women do is up to them. I only stress to everyone thinking of this story to take these things into account.
